when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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