I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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