considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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