I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
