I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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