You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
