I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
