Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
