Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
