i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
