Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
