Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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