Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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