I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
