tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
