im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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