I faked an abortion last night.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
