I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
