I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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