I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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