Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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