Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
