Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
