we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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