I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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