I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
