fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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