you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
