Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
