Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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