You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
