Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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