Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He shit in the fireplace
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
