i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
