genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
