How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
