he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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