If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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