peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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