I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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