FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
