No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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