i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
