I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
