i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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