he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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