I think my fart just growled at me.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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