he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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