you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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