you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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