Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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