you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
