1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize