I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
