dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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